We don’t think of the fact that, as human beings, we don’t live in laboratories and so there are 1000’s of variable at play in each of our lives, even when we might have some big things in common. These variables will result in a wide variety of responses to similar events and experiences.
Most of us live with some amount of disappointment, anger or sadness related to our relationship with our parents.
Consider ways in which another person could have the same goals as you, or goals that you would admire, and still make decisions and act in ways that appear contrary to you.
If you have put all of your self-worth into one area of your life believing that this one thing is what makes you “valuable, important, worthy, lovable, etc.” then you are setting yourself up for a pretty big crash.
It sucks to find out that something you said or did hurt another person. It is scary to be accused of something that you didn’t do, or didn’t mean to do. It’s disheartening and sometimes enraging to be labelled a ‘bad person.’ But you are not alone.
You do not need to model perfection, in fact, allowing your child to see you fail, will show them that they do not need to be perfect and that if they do fail, they too, can recover.
I won’t say that we don’t put effort and resources into the ending of relationships, but all too often, this has less to do with honouring the ending, and more to do with getting even.
The skills to stand up for oneself, to confront others, or to do ones own work are necessary ones and worthwhile developing.
We all need each other. We need diversity to fill in our gaps and the areas we cannot see clearly. Finding that in a partner is a rare treasure.
You don’t have to have the same interests to connect but being interested in your partner and who they are will keep the two of you connected.