While there are many things that you can do to improve a relationship that you want to keep, for some, even when both parties have done all they know to do to save it, a decision may be made to end the relationship. What happens next can dramatically impact the level of upheaval to follow.
When we rely completely on our partner for all of our relational needs, we risk overburdening our partners and asking for things that they may not possess. No one other person will be able to meet every one of those needs and if we are unwilling to look elsewhere to have them filled than we risk malnourishment in whatever area is lacking. The results of this, at an emotional level, varies from bitterness to depression, from anxiety to anger.
We don’t think of the fact that, as human beings, we don’t live in laboratories and so there are 1000’s of variable at play in each of our lives, even when we might have some big things in common. These variables will result in a wide variety of responses to similar events and experiences.
Most of us live with some amount of disappointment, anger or sadness related to our relationship with our parents.
Consider ways in which another person could have the same goals as you, or goals that you would admire, and still make decisions and act in ways that appear contrary to you.
If you have put all of your self-worth into one area of your life believing that this one thing is what makes you “valuable, important, worthy, lovable, etc.” then you are setting yourself up for a pretty big crash.
It sucks to find out that something you said or did hurt another person. It is scary to be accused of something that you didn’t do, or didn’t mean to do. It’s disheartening and sometimes enraging to be labelled a ‘bad person.’ But you are not alone.
You do not need to model perfection, in fact, allowing your child to see you fail, will show them that they do not need to be perfect and that if they do fail, they too, can recover.
I won’t say that we don’t put effort and resources into the ending of relationships, but all too often, this has less to do with honouring the ending, and more to do with getting even.
The skills to stand up for oneself, to confront others, or to do ones own work are necessary ones and worthwhile developing.