I had not been aware that in my tendency to minimize or avoid, what i perceived as negative emotions, I was also not noticing what actually felt really good.
Feelings do not go away if you bury them, they cause damage internally which sometimes leaks into destructive behaviour, the kind which can put couples in crisis.
The question, at this point in history, while working our way out of a time when grief has been so pathologized, might be, how do we know when there is a problem with grief?
Passive aggression most often occurs when someone is angry and feels that they cannot express that anger overtly, and instead communicate it indirectly.
As adults, many of us fear our anger. We are used to avoiding it, hiding it away and then when it gets out, it feels too big to handle and causes damage in our lives.
Whether it is a memorial service for a family member, a graduation at a school, the honouring of a historical 'hero,' or the celebration of a national holiday, lets make room for all the stories, all the feelings, and all the experiences.
If you have put all of your self-worth into one area of your life believing that this one thing is what makes you “valuable, important, worthy, lovable, etc.” then you are setting yourself up for a pretty big crash.
The first thing we tend to do when feeling ill or in pain is turn to the things that used to help us to feel better. If these no longer work or have become impossible, despair can set in
I won’t say that we don’t put effort and resources into the ending of relationships, but all too often, this has less to do with honouring the ending, and more to do with getting even.
The skills to stand up for oneself, to confront others, or to do ones own work are necessary ones and worthwhile developing.